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Andrew(AP)

A Texas State trooper pulled over a Oklahoma pickup on I-35.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout' whut?"

§þðr†¥ ßåßê

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Why does the toilet paper want to get to go down the hill?

To get to the bottom

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There is a Redneck, an Irish man, and a European man...

A genie appears and grants them each 1 wish.

The Irish man wishes he could go back home to Ireland.

The European man wishes he could go back home to Europe.

And the redneck wishes he had his friends back!!!

Andrew(AP)

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.

Andrew(AP)

Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for days until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began.

They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better."

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers. Satan was astonished. He stuttered, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckled, "Jesus saves"

Andrew(AP)

Texas worst air disaster occurred when a small 2-seat Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Texas A&M students, crashed into a College Station cemetery earlier today.

Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

Andrew(AP)

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a pair of Labrador Retrievers. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dogs stood on their hind legs, put their front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. They then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook their heads. The vet patted the dogs, took them out of the room and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Reports and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

Andrew(AP)

Zac was married to Ange and they went to the fair every year. Zac never got to go on the airplane because it was $10.00!

Zac: Please can i go on the airplane ride?! I'm 71 and I've never been on it!

Ange: No!!!! It's $10.00 and ten dollars is ten dollars!!!

So they walk up to the airplane man.

Bob: Hi my name is Bob. How may i help you?

Zac: I'm 71 and I've never been on this ride but Ange won't let me because its $10.00.

Bob: OK, I'll let you go on for free but if you say one word you have to pay me!

So they get on the airplane and Bob does as many twists and turns as he could! But no words came out of their mouths so on the way back he did more twists and turns! But still no words! Then finally they land.

Bob: i did as many twists and turns as i could but you never said a word. How did you do it?

Zac: When Ange fell out i was going to say something but $10.00 is $10.00!!!

Andrew(AP)

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me...and as we start the summer time we all could use a little calm.

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Tequila, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how friggin good I feel....

You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace

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An atom walks into a bar, gets wasted. As he's leaving, he slaps his pockets and says, "Darn, I've lost an electron".

The bartender said "Are you sure?"

So the atom says, "I'm positive."

Andrew(AP)

Read Slowly - These Are Rather Clever!!

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes: what a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Paradox: two physicians.

Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist: a helper on the farm.

Polarize: what penguins see with.

Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief: what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does.

Sudafed: brought litigation against a government official.

Subdued ...like a guy, like, who works on one of those Attack Submarines.

Andrew(AP)

Homework Excuses
Last night I got temporary amnesia and I totally forgot!
My older sister couldn't find her same homework from last year.
The dog did it for me, but it was in his language.
The paper airplane I made out of it accidentally flew out the window.
I fell asleep on it and when I woke up all my drool smudged all the ink.
It is here it's just in invisible ink!
Satan told me not to do it!
I'm at school?!?!? I thought this was an AA meeting.
My dad's pen ran out of ink.
My Mom ate my homework!

Andrew(AP)

A Lousiana couple have been trying to have a baby with no luck. So they decide to go see the witch doctor that lived deep in the swamp. They get in their boat and hit the swamp when they find the witch doctor they say " We have tried and tried to have a baby but we have had no luck please help us."

The witch doctor agrees and makes a potion in a gallon jug and tells the couple to each take a teaspoon each night before you have sex and when its gone you will be pregnant."

They thank the witch doctor and leave. On the way back the husband stops the boat and tells his wife that he can't wait so lets do it now but I'll drink half and you drink the other half...

Well nine months later out popped a baby but it was only a head...(Don't cry, the head was healthy)... The father was so proud of it that he took it to ball games and on its 21st birthday he takes him out to have a drink. His father asked him on do you want a shot of whiskey and the son says yes poppa i do he drinks it and BOOM he sprouts a body. The bartender was amazed so he gave him a shot on the house but he drinks it an falls over dead. The bartender looks and says damn he should have quit while he was a head.

Andrew(AP)

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.

The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..."

"Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter. He turns to the second blond, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven. He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"?

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St Peter smiled broadly with delight.

The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

Andrew(AP)

Top Ten signs that a redneck has been working on your computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

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As Jimmy walks to his kindergarten class, he sees Jenny. He goes up to her and asks,"Did you have lucky charms for breakfast?"Jenny replies"No why?" "Because you're lookin' magically delicious!"

Andrew(AP)

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and said, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Andrew(AP)

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."

"OH DEAR GOD NO," Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President, devastated, looks up and asks, "How many is a Brazillion??!"

Andrew(AP)

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

Andrew(AP)

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Andrew(AP)

Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Sudi Air 911---You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah be Praised"

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Egypt Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Egypt Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah is Great"

Pause: Static..........

Saudi Air: "Dallas ATC! Dallas ATC!" Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 9! 11"

Saudi Air: "You have cleared both our aircraft for the same runway!!! We are on a collision course! Instructions please!!!!!!!"

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now.......ya hear?"

Andrew(AP)

A guy goes to a comedy club he's never been to before. He has a drink and since it's open mike night he's not surprised when somebody steps up out of the audience and clears his throat. "Number 225," says the fellow and everybody just doubles over. Then he follows up with another couple of numbers and those elicit howls as well. After he sits down another man steps up to the microphone and does the same thing, getting big laughs from 124, 43, and 509.

Finally he can take it no longer and he asks a guy sitting at a nearby table who has laughed throughout, "What the heck is going on?!? They aren't telling jokes, they're just spitting out numbers!"

"We've heard every joke in the book in this place and we know 'em all by heart. Years ago we numbered them and just tell the numbers now instead of the jokes."

Just then they see another fellow step up on stage and yell out, "54," but this time nobody laughed. The first man looked quizzically at his previously laughing companion who replied, "It was how he told it."

Andrew(AP)

Three men walk into a bar.

You would have thought at least one of them had seen it.

Andrew(AP)

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "OK, I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Andrew(AP)

A Sergeant in the Nigerian army called out his battalion as they stood in line he started giving out the mail. He started, "Private John!"

"Yes Sir!," John answered as he stepped forward.

"Your Mother just had a heart attack. Take your letter and go back in line."

With tears in eyes, Private John went back in line."

"Private Peter!," he called out again."

"Yes sir.," answered the Private.

"Your brother was involved in an accident; he broke his legs and arms and died screaming out in pain like a baby."

Just then a General who was passing by called the Sergeant and told him to be more humane when he is distributing mails to the junior officers. The next morning he gathered the men as usual. He brought out the first letter, looked at it and did not know what to say because the General was watching this time. He finally said to his men, "If you know your father is alive move to the right."

As all the men were moving to the right.. He shouted, "Private Kingsley! Move to the left quickly!!!"

Andrew(AP)

The manager of a large office saw a new guy one day and told him to come into his office. " what's your name?" was what the manager asked the new guy. "John" he said.

The manager gave John his standard lecture ..."Look, I don't know what kind of little wimpy place you came from, but around here I only call people by their last name- Smith, Jones, Davids, etc. I'm Mr. Lawson.

Now that we got that settled tell me your last name. "Darling, my name is John Darling."

" Ok, John, the next thing I have to tell you is..."

Andrew(AP)

There is a mirror that if you tell it a lie you are sucked into the mirror but if you tell the truth you are given money. A brunette walks up to the mirror and says, "I think I am the tallest person in the world," and shazam she is sucked into the mirror. A few minutes later a ginger haired person walks up to the mirror and says, "I think I am the fattest person in the world," and shazam she is sucked into the mirror. The next day a blonde walks up to the mirror. She stares deep into it and says, "I think," and shazam...

Andrew(AP)

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Andrew(AP)

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. One of the guests asked, "What's that big brass gong?"

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yep," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You moron, it's ten past three in the morning!

Andrew(AP)

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it, mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said the host. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.

"Yes, that is my final answer." replied the contestant.

Thirty seconds later, Eddie said, "I regret to inform you, but that answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends-- including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

Andrew(AP)

I called your boyfriend gay and then he hit me with his purse!

Andrew(AP)

Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher."

The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth.

Andrew(AP)

You and your friend are walking along a road and you see a lamp on the ground. You pick it up and a genie comes out. He says, "I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for your friend gets twice as much as you."

You say "OK" and your first wish is for $10,000,000.

The genie says, "You know your friend is gonna get twice as much?"

You say "I know." Your next wish is for a 50,000 ft. yacht.

The genie says "You know your friend is gonna get twice as much?"

You say "I know." Your last wish is for getting beaten half to death and the genie says, "You know your friend's gonna get twice as much as you?"

You say "I know."

Andrew(AP)

As we enjoy the holidays, remember to be nice to those first-time turkey cookers...

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Andrew(AP)

A blonde is walking around and hears someone saying '20,20,20...'. Following the sound, the blonde sees a brunette jumping on a railroad track saying '20,20,20...'.

Being blonde she gets on the track with her and together they jump and recite '20,20,20...'.

Suddenly the brunette jumps off the track as ant the blonde is run over by a train.

Pausing for only a moment, the brunette jumps back on the tracks saying '21,21,21...'.

Andrew(AP)

COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

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A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.
As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, “You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch.”

“But I'm not pregnant,” she says.

“Well, you're not out of the ditch yet,” he says.

Andrew(AP)

What does the hot dog say after winning a race?

I'm a WIENER!!!

Andrew(AP)

You and your friend are walking along a road and you see a lamp on the ground. You pick it up and a genie comes out. He says, "I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for your friend gets twice as much as you."

You say "OK" and your first wish is for $10,000,000.

The genie says, "You know your friend is gonna get twice as much?"

You say "I know." Your next wish is for a 50,000 ft. yacht.

The genie says "You know your friend is gonna get twice as much?"

You say "I know." Your last wish is for getting beaten half to death and the genie says, "You know your friend's gonna get twice as much as you?"

You say "I know."

Andrew(AP)

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?

A URLologist.

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Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses

Andrew(AP)

Girls with big boobs work at Hooters. Where do girls with one leg work?

IHop!

Andrew(AP)

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
An old friend who once saved your life.
The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading...

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

Andrew(AP)

A visiting minister prayed during the offertory prayer.

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "Without YOU, we are but dust ..."

He would have continued; but, at that moment, one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

(Church was pretty much over at that point.)

Andrew(AP)

What do you call an elevator full of white people?

A box of crackers.

Andrew(AP)

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.

When smoking a fish, never inhale.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.

Andrew(AP)

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine waiting to transport him to his home.

As he prepared to get into the Limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. "You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black Limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the Limo and got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his super visor He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"

The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."

The supervisor said, "Oh, so then it's the president."

The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur.

Andrew(AP)

As we enjoy the holidays, remember to be nice to those first-time turkey cookers...

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Andrew(AP)

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. One of the guests asked, "What's that big brass gong?"

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yep," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You moron, it's ten past three in the morning!

Andrew(AP)

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So .. what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years ... I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said , "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for . . a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the Stupid map again.

Andrew(AP)

This guy walks into a pub and half his head is a big orange. He says: 'I'll have a pint of lager, please.' And the barman says: 'Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.' And the boy goes: 'Yeah, had that for a while now.'

So the barman says: 'How did that come about, if you don't mind me asking?' And the boy says: 'I was in this old junk shop when I found a lamp and when I gave it a rub this genie appeared.

He offered me the standard three wishes, and I said: 'For my first wish, I'd like every woman I ever meet to fall madly in love with me.' So the genie waves his genie hands and suddenly there's women looking at me. Then the genie says: 'What will your second wish be?' I said: 'I'd like a wallet with ?1million in it, and I can never lose it, it can't be destroyed, and every time I spend any of the money, it'll be replenished.' And the genie says: 'Your wish is granted. Now, what will your third wish be?' So I said: 'For my third wish, I'd like half my head to be a big orange.'

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The young Texan came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young Texan answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

Andrew(AP)

A Lousiana couple have been trying to have a baby with no luck. So they decide to go see the witch doctor that lived deep in the swamp. They get in their boat and hit the swamp when they find the witch doctor they say " We have tried and tried to have a baby but we have had no luck please help us."

The witch doctor agrees and makes a potion in a gallon jug and tells the couple to each take a teaspoon each night before you have sex and when its gone you will be pregnant."

They thank the witch doctor and leave. On the way back the husband stops the boat and tells his wife that he can't wait so lets do it now but I'll drink half and you drink the other half...

Well nine months later out popped a baby but it was only a head...(Don't cry, the head was healthy)... The father was so proud of it that he took it to ball games and on its 21st birthday he takes him out to have a drink. His father asked him on do you want a shot of whiskey and the son says yes poppa i do he drinks it and BOOM he sprouts a body. The bartender was amazed so he gave him a shot on the house but he drinks it an falls over dead. The bartender looks and says damn he should have quit while he was a head.

Andrew(AP)

woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.

Something he will use to log on to the computer. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:

P...

E...

N...

I...

S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$68,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is

Andrew(AP)

There is a mirror that if you tell it a lie you are sucked into the mirror but if you tell the truth you are given money. A brunette walks up to the mirror and says, "I think I am the tallest person in the world," and shazam she is sucked into the mirror. A few minutes later a ginger haired person walks up to the mirror and says, "I think I am the fattest person in the world," and shazam she is sucked into the mirror. The next day a blonde walks up to the mirror. She stares deep into it and says, "I think," and shazam...

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The manager of a large office saw a new guy one day and told him to come into his office. " what's your name?" was what the manager asked the new guy. "John" he said.

The manager gave John his standard lecture ..."Look, I don't know what kind of little wimpy place you came from, but around here I only call people by their last name- Smith, Jones, Davids, etc. I'm Mr. Lawson.

Now that we got that settled tell me your last name. "Darling, my name is John Darling."

" Ok, John, the next thing I have to tell you is..."

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A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So .. what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years ... I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said , "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for . . a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the Stupid map again.

Andrew(AP)

lol these are really funny jokes im going to post a what you think is the funniest joke competition

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I called your boyfriend gay and then he hit me with his purse!

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You and your friend are walking along a road and you see a lamp on the ground. You pick it up and a genie comes out. He says, "I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for your friend gets twice as much as you."

You say "OK" and your first wish is for $10,000,000.

The genie says, "You know your friend is gonna get twice as much?"

You say "I know." Your next wish is for a 50,000 ft. yacht.

The genie says "You know your friend is gonna get twice as much?"

You say "I know." Your last wish is for getting beaten half to death and the genie says, "You know your friend's gonna get twice as much as you?"

You say "I know."

Andrew(AP)

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There was a blonde and she was driving and she cut an 18-wheeler off...

So the driver gets out, climbs down, and he shouts at her, "Get out of the car now."

So she does and he draws a circle around her and says, "Don't step out of the circle....he took out his knife and he started to slash all her tires... he turned around and she was laughin...this made him even more angry so he slashed all of her leather seats.. he turned around and she was still laughing... he was filled with rage so he got gasoline and torches her car. Then he turned around and she was still laughin... he looks at her and says "Why are you laughing!?!"

She replied, "Because when you werent looking....I stepped out the circle, I stepped out of the circle."

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What's the difference between a teacher and a train? A teacher says "spit your gum out" and a train says "choo choo!!"

Andrew(AP)

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funny,it,makes,me,cry,jk

Andrew(AP)

Sunz

How do you get Pikachu onto an aeroplane?

You have to Poke-im-on!