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Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:08 am **Post subject:** post your jokes

post your jokes in here

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:12 am **Post subject:**

A Texas State trooper pulled over a Oklahoma pickup on I-35.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout' whut?"

§þðr†¥ ßåßê · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:15 am **Post subject:**

.

Why does the toilet paper want to get to go down the hill?

To get to the bottom

§þðr†¥ ßåßê · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:20 am **Post subject:**

There is a Redneck, an Irish man, and a European man...

A genie appears and grants them each 1 wish.

The Irish man wishes he could go back home to Ireland.

The European man wishes he could go back home to Europe.

And the redneck wishes he had his friends back!!!

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:24 am **Post subject:**

A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model.

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:24 am **Post subject:**

Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for days until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began.

They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better."

Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers. Satan was astonished. He stuttered, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckled, "Jesus saves"

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:24 am **Post subject:**

Texas worst air disaster occurred when a small 2-seat Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Texas A&M students, crashed into a College Station cemetery earlier today.

Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:25 am **Post subject:**

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a pair of Labrador Retrievers. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dogs stood on their hind legs, put their front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. They then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook their heads. The vet patted the dogs, took them out of the room and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Reports and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:25 am **Post subject:**

Zac was married to Ange and they went to the fair every year. Zac never got to go on the airplane because it was $10.00!

Zac: Please can i go on the airplane ride?! I'm 71 and I've never been on it!

Ange: No!!!! It's $10.00 and ten dollars is ten dollars!!!

So they walk up to the airplane man.

Bob: Hi my name is Bob. How may i help you?

Zac: I'm 71 and I've never been on this ride but Ange won't let me because its $10.00.

Bob: OK, I'll let you go on for free but if you say one word you have to pay me!

So they get on the airplane and Bob does as many twists and turns as he could! But no words came out of their mouths so on the way back he did more twists and turns! But still no words! Then finally they land.

Bob: i did as many twists and turns as i could but you never said a word. How did you do it?

Zac: When Ange fell out i was going to say something but $10.00 is $10.00!!!

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:25 am **Post subject:**

I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me...and as we start the summer time we all could use a little calm.

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished....and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Tequila, the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how friggin good I feel....

You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace

§þðr†¥ ßåßê · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:25 am **Post subject:**

An atom walks into a bar, gets wasted. As he's leaving, he slaps his pockets and says, "Darn, I've lost an electron".

The bartender said "Are you sure?"

So the atom says, "I'm positive."

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:25 am **Post subject:**

Read Slowly - These Are Rather Clever!!

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse: what an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes: what a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Paradox: two physicians.

Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist: a helper on the farm.

Polarize: what penguins see with.

Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief: what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does.

Sudafed: brought litigation against a government official.

Subdued ...like a guy, like, who works on one of those Attack Submarines.

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:26 am **Post subject:**

Homework Excuses
Last night I got temporary amnesia and I totally forgot!
My older sister couldn't find her same homework from last year.
The dog did it for me, but it was in his language.
The paper airplane I made out of it accidentally flew out the window.
I fell asleep on it and when I woke up all my drool smudged all the ink.
It is here it's just in invisible ink!
Satan told me not to do it!
I'm at school?!?!? I thought this was an AA meeting.
My dad's pen ran out of ink.
My Mom ate my homework!

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:26 am **Post subject:**

A Lousiana couple have been trying to have a baby with no luck. So they decide to go see the witch doctor that lived deep in the swamp. They get in their boat and hit the swamp when they find the witch doctor they say " We have tried and tried to have a baby but we have had no luck please help us."

The witch doctor agrees and makes a potion in a gallon jug and tells the couple to each take a teaspoon each night before you have sex and when its gone you will be pregnant."

They thank the witch doctor and leave. On the way back the husband stops the boat and tells his wife that he can't wait so lets do it now but I'll drink half and you drink the other half...

Well nine months later out popped a baby but it was only a head...(Don't cry, the head was healthy)... The father was so proud of it that he took it to ball games and on its 21st birthday he takes him out to have a drink. His father asked him on do you want a shot of whiskey and the son says yes poppa i do he drinks it and BOOM he sprouts a body. The bartender was amazed so he gave him a shot on the house but he drinks it an falls over dead. The bartender looks and says damn he should have quit while he was a head.

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:26 am **Post subject:**

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.

The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..."

"Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter. He turns to the second blond, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven. He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"?

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St Peter smiled broadly with delight.

The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:27 am **Post subject:**

Top Ten signs that a redneck has been working on your computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

§þðr†¥ ßåßê · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:27 am **Post subject:**

As Jimmy walks to his kindergarten class, he sees Jenny. He goes up to her and asks,"Did you have lucky charms for breakfast?"Jenny replies"No why?" "Because you're lookin' magically delicious!"

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:27 am **Post subject:**

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and said, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:28 am **Post subject:**

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying, "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."

"OH DEAR GOD NO," Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President, devastated, looks up and asks, "How many is a Brazillion??!"

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:28 am **Post subject:**

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."