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Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:29 am **Post subject:**

"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop."

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:29 am **Post subject:**

Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Sudi Air 911---You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."

Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah be Praised"

Dallas ATC: "Tower to Egypt Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Egypt Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah is Great"

Pause: Static..........

Saudi Air: "Dallas ATC! Dallas ATC!" Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 9! 11"

Saudi Air: "You have cleared both our aircraft for the same runway!!! We are on a collision course! Instructions please!!!!!!!"

Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now.......ya hear?"

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:29 am **Post subject:**

A guy goes to a comedy club he's never been to before. He has a drink and since it's open mike night he's not surprised when somebody steps up out of the audience and clears his throat. "Number 225," says the fellow and everybody just doubles over. Then he follows up with another couple of numbers and those elicit howls as well. After he sits down another man steps up to the microphone and does the same thing, getting big laughs from 124, 43, and 509.

Finally he can take it no longer and he asks a guy sitting at a nearby table who has laughed throughout, "What the heck is going on?!? They aren't telling jokes, they're just spitting out numbers!"

"We've heard every joke in the book in this place and we know 'em all by heart. Years ago we numbered them and just tell the numbers now instead of the jokes."

Just then they see another fellow step up on stage and yell out, "54," but this time nobody laughed. The first man looked quizzically at his previously laughing companion who replied, "It was how he told it."

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:29 am **Post subject:**

Three men walk into a bar.

You would have thought at least one of them had seen it.

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:29 am **Post subject:**

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "OK, I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:30 am **Post subject:**

A Sergeant in the Nigerian army called out his battalion as they stood in line he started giving out the mail. He started, "Private John!"

"Yes Sir!," John answered as he stepped forward.

"Your Mother just had a heart attack. Take your letter and go back in line."

With tears in eyes, Private John went back in line."

"Private Peter!," he called out again."

"Yes sir.," answered the Private.

"Your brother was involved in an accident; he broke his legs and arms and died screaming out in pain like a baby."

Just then a General who was passing by called the Sergeant and told him to be more humane when he is distributing mails to the junior officers. The next morning he gathered the men as usual. He brought out the first letter, looked at it and did not know what to say because the General was watching this time. He finally said to his men, "If you know your father is alive move to the right."

As all the men were moving to the right.. He shouted, "Private Kingsley! Move to the left quickly!!!"

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:32 am **Post subject:**

The manager of a large office saw a new guy one day and told him to come into his office. " what's your name?" was what the manager asked the new guy. "John" he said.

The manager gave John his standard lecture ..."Look, I don't know what kind of little wimpy place you came from, but around here I only call people by their last name- Smith, Jones, Davids, etc. I'm Mr. Lawson.

Now that we got that settled tell me your last name. "Darling, my name is John Darling."

" Ok, John, the next thing I have to tell you is..."

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:33 am **Post subject:**

There is a mirror that if you tell it a lie you are sucked into the mirror but if you tell the truth you are given money. A brunette walks up to the mirror and says, "I think I am the tallest person in the world," and shazam she is sucked into the mirror. A few minutes later a ginger haired person walks up to the mirror and says, "I think I am the fattest person in the world," and shazam she is sucked into the mirror. The next day a blonde walks up to the mirror. She stares deep into it and says, "I think," and shazam...

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:33 am **Post subject:**

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:33 am **Post subject:**

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. One of the guests asked, "What's that big brass gong?"

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yep," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You moron, it's ten past three in the morning!

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:34 am **Post subject:**

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.

It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?

Is it:
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it, mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.

The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said the host. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.

"Yes, that is my final answer." replied the contestant.

Thirty seconds later, Eddie said, "I regret to inform you, but that answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends-- including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.

"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:34 am **Post subject:**

I called your boyfriend gay and then he hit me with his purse!

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:35 am **Post subject:**

Two blondes were filling up at a gas station and the first blonde says to the second, "I bet these awful gas prices are going to go even higher."

The second blonde replies, "Won't affect me, I always put in just $10 worth.

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:35 am **Post subject:**

You and your friend are walking along a road and you see a lamp on the ground. You pick it up and a genie comes out. He says, "I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for your friend gets twice as much as you."

You say "OK" and your first wish is for $10,000,000.

The genie says, "You know your friend is gonna get twice as much?"

You say "I know." Your next wish is for a 50,000 ft. yacht.

The genie says "You know your friend is gonna get twice as much?"

You say "I know." Your last wish is for getting beaten half to death and the genie says, "You know your friend's gonna get twice as much as you?"

You say "I know."

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:35 am **Post subject:**

As we enjoy the holidays, remember to be nice to those first-time turkey cookers...

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:36 am **Post subject:**

A blonde is walking around and hears someone saying '20,20,20...'. Following the sound, the blonde sees a brunette jumping on a railroad track saying '20,20,20...'.

Being blonde she gets on the track with her and together they jump and recite '20,20,20...'.

Suddenly the brunette jumps off the track as ant the blonde is run over by a train.

Pausing for only a moment, the brunette jumps back on the tracks saying '21,21,21...'.

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:36 am **Post subject:**

COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.

TEN COMMANDMENTS The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

§þðr†¥ ßåßê · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:36 am **Post subject:**

A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.
As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, “You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch.”

“But I'm not pregnant,” she says.

“Well, you're not out of the ditch yet,” he says.

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:36 am **Post subject:**

What does the hot dog say after winning a race?

I'm a WIENER!!!

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:37 am **Post subject:**

You and your friend are walking along a road and you see a lamp on the ground. You pick it up and a genie comes out. He says, "I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for your friend gets twice as much as you."

You say "OK" and your first wish is for $10,000,000.

The genie says, "You know your friend is gonna get twice as much?"

You say "I know." Your next wish is for a 50,000 ft. yacht.

The genie says "You know your friend is gonna get twice as much?"

You say "I know." Your last wish is for getting beaten half to death and the genie says, "You know your friend's gonna get twice as much as you?"

You say "I know."