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Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:37 am **Post subject:**

What kind of doctor fixes broken websites?

A URLologist.

§þðr†¥ ßåßê · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:38 am **Post subject:**

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:38 am **Post subject:**

Girls with big boobs work at Hooters. Where do girls with one leg work?

IHop!

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:39 am **Post subject:**

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
An old friend who once saved your life.
The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading...

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:39 am **Post subject:**

A visiting minister prayed during the offertory prayer.

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "Without YOU, we are but dust ..."

He would have continued; but, at that moment, one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

(Church was pretty much over at that point.)

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:40 am **Post subject:**

What do you call an elevator full of white people?

A box of crackers.

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:41 am **Post subject:**

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.

When smoking a fish, never inhale.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:41 am **Post subject:**

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine waiting to transport him to his home.

As he prepared to get into the Limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver. "You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap. The long black Limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the Limo and got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his super visor He told the supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

The supervisor asked, "Is it the governor?"

The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."

The supervisor said, "Oh, so then it's the president."

The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur.

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:41 am **Post subject:**

As we enjoy the holidays, remember to be nice to those first-time turkey cookers...

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:41 am **Post subject:**

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. One of the guests asked, "What's that big brass gong?"

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yep," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You moron, it's ten past three in the morning!

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:42 am **Post subject:**

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So .. what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years ... I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said , "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for . . a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the Stupid map again.

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:42 am **Post subject:**

This guy walks into a pub and half his head is a big orange. He says: 'I'll have a pint of lager, please.' And the barman says: 'Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.' And the boy goes: 'Yeah, had that for a while now.'

So the barman says: 'How did that come about, if you don't mind me asking?' And the boy says: 'I was in this old junk shop when I found a lamp and when I gave it a rub this genie appeared.

He offered me the standard three wishes, and I said: 'For my first wish, I'd like every woman I ever meet to fall madly in love with me.' So the genie waves his genie hands and suddenly there's women looking at me. Then the genie says: 'What will your second wish be?' I said: 'I'd like a wallet with ?1million in it, and I can never lose it, it can't be destroyed, and every time I spend any of the money, it'll be replenished.' And the genie says: 'Your wish is granted. Now, what will your third wish be?' So I said: 'For my third wish, I'd like half my head to be a big orange.'

§þðr†¥ ßåßê · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:43 am **Post subject:**

The young Texan came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young Texan answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:44 am **Post subject:**

A Lousiana couple have been trying to have a baby with no luck. So they decide to go see the witch doctor that lived deep in the swamp. They get in their boat and hit the swamp when they find the witch doctor they say " We have tried and tried to have a baby but we have had no luck please help us."

The witch doctor agrees and makes a potion in a gallon jug and tells the couple to each take a teaspoon each night before you have sex and when its gone you will be pregnant."

They thank the witch doctor and leave. On the way back the husband stops the boat and tells his wife that he can't wait so lets do it now but I'll drink half and you drink the other half...

Well nine months later out popped a baby but it was only a head...(Don't cry, the head was healthy)... The father was so proud of it that he took it to ball games and on its 21st birthday he takes him out to have a drink. His father asked him on do you want a shot of whiskey and the son says yes poppa i do he drinks it and BOOM he sprouts a body. The bartender was amazed so he gave him a shot on the house but he drinks it an falls over dead. The bartender looks and says damn he should have quit while he was a head.

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:44 am **Post subject:**

woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password.

Something he will use to log on to the computer. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:

P...

E...

N...

I...

S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

§þðr†¥ ßåßê · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:44 am **Post subject:**

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$68,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:44 am **Post subject:**

There is a mirror that if you tell it a lie you are sucked into the mirror but if you tell the truth you are given money. A brunette walks up to the mirror and says, "I think I am the tallest person in the world," and shazam she is sucked into the mirror. A few minutes later a ginger haired person walks up to the mirror and says, "I think I am the fattest person in the world," and shazam she is sucked into the mirror. The next day a blonde walks up to the mirror. She stares deep into it and says, "I think," and shazam...

§þðr†¥ ßåßê · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:45 am **Post subject:**

The manager of a large office saw a new guy one day and told him to come into his office. " what's your name?" was what the manager asked the new guy. "John" he said.

The manager gave John his standard lecture ..."Look, I don't know what kind of little wimpy place you came from, but around here I only call people by their last name- Smith, Jones, Davids, etc. I'm Mr. Lawson.

Now that we got that settled tell me your last name. "Darling, my name is John Darling."

" Ok, John, the next thing I have to tell you is..."

§þðr†¥ ßåßê · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:46 am **Post subject:**

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So .. what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years ... I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said , "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for . . a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the Stupid map again.

Andrew(AP) · **Posted:** Sat Jul 22, 2006 3:46 am **Post subject:**

lol these are really funny jokes im going to post a what you think is the funniest joke competition